2.10.18.7.47.45

February 10, 2018. Here I am. I'm lying on this bed, on the 7th floor of The LINE Hotel in Koreatown. I'm all alone. It's just after dawn. My hair is curly, I've got a thin frame, and I'm in my underwear. These things are at least pretty evident from the photo, right? Right. That's the thing though. I posted this photo to my Instagram, and it got likes, views, and comments based on what can be seen superficially. People based their thoughts and opinions on what they gathered from the visual context of the photo. To everyone else, it was just a risqué social media post of me. But what they don't know is the background of everything that was occurring in my life at that very specific moment. Who that girl was at exactly the second that the shutter captured this image.

What isn't captured in this photo is the fact that on February 10, 2018, at 7:47:45am, the exact time this photo was taken, I was heartbroken, betrayed, hopeful, lonely, relieved, angry, and proud. That's quite a mix of emotions all at one time, isn't it? Well, let me explain.

On February 10, 2018, at 7:47:45am, I was 28 years old. I was in LA, with my curls freshly washed and taken down, because, just the afternoon before, at 3:30pm, I had an interview in DTLA for an opportunity to teach English in Japan. I had worked hard on my application - writing a statement of purpose, getting certified to teach English as a foreign language, gathering various documents, and securing letters of recommendation. I was nervous, but excited. It was a possibility of an exciting future for me, in a country I love. So, on this morning, I was relieved that the hard part was over.

I was staying at The LINE Hotel because I had booked a room as a sort of congratulations to myself for getting accepted for an interview, regardless of if I were to be chosen or not. I was proud that I had taken the leap. The LINE was a hotel that I had been looking to stay at for a couple years prior, with my ex, when we were together, but he had always told me "no" because it was "too expensive". For reference, it's about $300/night. (I later found out that he had booked a stay there with another girl he met on a dating app, shortly after we took a break). So, I treated myself.

Oddly enough, that ex is a part of the reason that I was feeling the negative emotions on this day. You see, I was not supposed to be alone this morning. I was not supposed to have been the one taking this photo. My ex was. There was a lot going on between us at this time. We had taken a break in the months before (I was struggling through some personal issues), and, in that time, he had began to form a new relationship with a friend/co-worker of his. So, at this time, he was treating me very poorly because he wanted to impress this other girl. He's a photographer, though, so I asked him if he would come in the morning and do a quick photoshoot with me. He would always do requested photoshoots of his other friends for free, so I figured he shouldn't mind doing something for me. Well, for all of the time up until the day before the shoot, he told me that he promised he would come take the photos for me. Like I said, that was all up until the day before. He was actually the one who drove me to my interview the day before. And, as he left me that evening, he told me that he would not be coming the next morning to do the shoot anymore. And he didn't. Though, I can't lie, I woke up that morning hoping that he had changed his mind. Instead of showing up for me, he decided to drive down to the OC to spend the night with the new girl.

"Why did I even want a photoshoot?", you might ask. Well, you see, as I stated before, My ex and I had taken a 2-month break while I dealt with some personal issues. When we came back together, at some point, he had informed me that he had slept with his friend (who I was familiar with and met on a few occasions), and that he was moving towards a relationship with her. I was completely blind-sided. I had finally gotten myself to a better space, mentally, and this news sent me spiraling. We had been together for 10 years. He began to treat me as though he had never loved me to begin with. I fell into a depression. In fact, this was when my depression was first triggered. With that, I couldn't eat for weeks. I ended up losing 25 lbs. in a matter of about 6 weeks. Well, with all of this happening, I began to look at my body differently. I guess I wanted to "gain" some of my confidence back by admiring this new frame I had. At a time where I was feeling so low, I guess I thought it was a way for me to feel good about myself. Here I was - I had achieved getting an interview, I treated myself to something that was denied to me by someone else, and I had finally gotten the "body" I wanted.

So, that's the background story of the girl in this picture. And, yes, I look at her as a "girl". That was my last stage before my current maturation. She was what I used to be. What I shed in order to become the woman I'm becoming. It's because of her struggles and triumphs. Every time I look at this photo of her, I remember everything she was going through and feeling in that moment. So complex. Good and bad emotions mixed together to create this portrait. Her face is hidden. You have no idea if she's crying about the love she lost, is smiling about the hope of a new future, is furrowing her brows in anger towards her betrayer, or if she's simply looking out, at peace with all of her current circumstances.

That was this girl. Bree, at 7:47:45am, February 10, 2018.

*Just to add to the sentimentality of this date, I received an email on 2/10/21, accepting me as an interview candidate for the same teach abroad program as I interviewed for 3 years ago. I was successful in my interview back then, but ultimately turned down the offer. I've regretted that decision ever since.