Lie To Me

Anyone remember that saying about sticks and stones? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". My mom used to always say it to me when I was younger to teach me that people may say mean and ugly things, but not to let it get to me. Words have no physical effect. While that may be true, that doesn't mean they can't hurt or affect you at all. Cause boy, let me tell you, the mental torment is something else. Everyone always says, "actions speak louder than words", and, while that may, honestly, be true (I do believe that people's actions far more express their true nature over the words they speak), I, for some inexplicable reason, hold far more weight on people's words over their actions. It's the strangest thing. It's not a conscious act. I don't hear people's words and then think to myself, "remember what they said and hold them to it". As I stated before, I truly do believe that people are the sum of their actions, not their words, but my subconscious is the opposite. Sadly, for me, it's created quite a bit of turmoil. My mind will almost completely forget a person's physical doings, but will hold on tightly to the words a person says, and believe those words to the fullest. I hate it. For me, for my mind, a person's word is their bond - and I bind them to it (usually to my own misfortune).

So, here's a little something of note about me. I have trouble with lying. Especially if it's something that has to be done on the spot. It literally makes me cringe when I feel like I need to lie. I'm talking, it's almost hard for me to get the words out. I feel like I start fumbling (mostly because I'm doing mental acrobatics to try and make it as less of a lie as I can. I try to word it so that I can maybe get some truth in, or so that my lie doesn't hurt the other person). Lying is not my forte. For me, I try to be as honest as I can be. If I've ever spoken words to you, know that I truly mean what I say. If you've ever asked me something, know that, more than likely, what I've given you is an authentic response. When I say something, I typically mean it. Of course, I'm not perfect, so I'm not saying that I don't lie, but if someone is asking me something earnestly, I'm gonna be earnest with them. But that's where my problem lies. *see what I did there? Ha*

Because I have so much of a problem with lying, I guess I assume that the way I feel is how everyone else feels too. So, when someone tells me something, I give them them the same benefit that they're being truthful with what they say, just as I would be. When someone tells me something, I take it as truth and I rely on it. Then I get my feelings hurt. How many times have I heard someone tell me that they'll do something, and then they don't come through on their word? Countless. I've had so many people tell me, "Yeah, Bree, I'll hit you up to do "XYZ", for sure", or "I'll definitely be down for this or that", and then I never hear from them. But I still keep hope alive that maybe, just maybe, one day they'll remember what they said (or remember that I exist). I spent 10 years in a relationship with someone who constantly disrespected me with their actions, but as long as he said "I'm sorry" or "trust me, Bree", I was quick to forgive and believe that it wouldn't happen again. I believed that every single time. Countless times. From the same person. FOR. A. DECADE. Something's wrong with me. I put WAY too much trust in people. I've had people say to me that they'd do certain things with me, then I go on social media to see them doing those things with other people. No invite. Just straight up lied to.

I'm learning though. I'm realizing that people just say words. They don't care about how their words effect others, because it doesn't effect them. It's not like something bad is gonna happen to them for lying, so what's it to them? Now I'm learning to take people's words and immediately tell myself that's they're more than likely not being truthful. I set my expectations pretty low now. It's sad that I have to do it, but it's a new survival technique. Otherwise, I'd drive myself crazy with sorrow over the way I get my feelings hurt. But it makes it so difficult. When I talk to someone, I want to be able to believe that they are being real with me. I don't want to have to second guess everything people say. I just want real and authentic relationships.

When I ask someone a serious question, or have a serious conversation with them, I ask them to be real with me. I specifically say to them, "please don't lie to me". I know some people lie so that they don't hurt others, but, for me, I far more respect a hurtful truth over a lie because, in reality, the lie proving to be a lie is far more hurtful. If I'm asking someone a question, it means that I'm prepared for whatever answer they'll give, even if it's not what I'm hoping to hear, because it's them being honest with me. I can't do anything but be respectful of someone being honest with me. Yes, even if it hurts my feelings. You being honest with me means that you respect me enough to view me as worthy enough of the truth. I value that so much. Especially because that's why I like to be honest with others. To me, it's a sign of respect. So, if you come to me trying to fish for a certain response, don't be surprised if I go in a different direction with my response. When I'm asked something, I'm expecting that you really want my truth. Then I just start spilling everything out lol. So, too, be careful what you ask me. You might get more than you asked for 🤐.

In a nutshell, I have a problem with words, written or oral. Sometimes it's like a phobia. I'll literally be scared to open, or even reread, a text or message just because of what it might say, or does say. But, conversely, when there's something that says things that I like, or make me feel some sort of positive feeling that I want to hold on to, I'll read it over and over again, like it's a high. So, it can either act as an upper or a downer for me. It's insane how highly my mind holds words. So, please, I beg of you, don't lie to me. I'll like you so much better for it.