Chapters

Recently, I've gotten into something I haven't done in a very long time. Reading. It's been over a decade since the last time I've read a book in its entirety. Now, here it is only mid-March and I'm in the last few pages of my 6th book so far this year. It's not that I haven't tried to pick up the habit. I tried out those "inspirational", "you just gotta believe in what's within you", self-help books when I was deep in my depression a few years back. Either never finished them, or never got past a couple pages. They became wall decorum for my apartment at one point. Something about other normal human beings dishing out their "expertise" and "answers" about ways to make my life better just doesn't quite catch me. Not knocking their struggle and come-up at all. Glad they found a method and mentality that worked for them. I just can't quite seem to get myself caught up in the hype that many people find themselves in over some of these books. So, for now, fiction is my thing.

Now, to segue into the main point of this post and why I've opened it with a whole paragraph about books.

Lately, I've been realizing that I've been turning the final pages on a certain chapter in the book that is my life. I hadn't really realized it, but this feeling has been looming over me for the past month or so.

I think I'm ready to close a chapter of relationships. Ones that I've been holding onto by a thread for a long time. The thinnest of threads. I'm finding myself getting really exhausted of holding on though. I feel like letting go is the best thing to do for myself, as well as the others. Honestly, I think I'm the only one who's been holding on. I think everyone else has pretty much vacated the space at this point.

What I've come to realize is, I don't have anyone. Not a single solid connection to any single person. I've got a few people here and there. Check in from time to time. That sort of thing. But I don't have a single person that I'm truly close to. No one that I can say really "knows me". No people who have the time and space for me that I need from true friends/companions. No people that I have who I'm close enough to where I feel like I'd welcome their presence/conversation/energy at anytime.

High school friends pretty much died out after I went off to college. Kept in touch with one friend only because she bestowed me with the title of godmother to both of her kids. But, to be honest, that friendship was mostly one-sided for a long time (she kept a hold on it, and I was too timid to break free). As we got older, our lifestyles and beliefs began to differ quite a bit though. We ended up in a bit of an argument after she said/posted some things that I found to be pretty disrespectful on a personal/political/religious/racial front. After that, I just pretty much gave up and cut that cord. I do feel terrible that I've abandoned my role as godmother though (I never meant to give up on the kids).

But for the last decade or so, I've been depending on relationships that I forged with people from college and work. But that's the chapter that I think I'm wrapping up on now.

To be real, I just feel unnecessary. I feel like I'm the stray dog that doesn't quite belong to anyone or anywhere, but people throw me scraps every now and then mostly out of pity. I'm not needed. I don't have anyone who hits me up to talk about life, gossip, make plans, reminisce. Even before I moved abroad, no one made an effort to make plans/hang out. Aside from social media posts, I don't know what's going on in anyone's life, and they don't know about mine. Not on a truly personal level. Both of the people I did feel I had really close connections with both ended up dropping me in the blink of an eye for other people.

Now, I just feel like everyone is going about living their own lives, and I don't fit in anyone's picture. They all have their chosen friends and have (or are creating) their own families. I feel like it's time for me to just let go. I'm so happy for all of them. Their growth and successes. But I'm not a part of any of it. And no one is a part of my life.

So, I think I'm making the final decision (for myself) to finally relieve myself of any sense of connection to those of my past. A blank slate. Starting from scratch. Completely empty. That's where I feel like I'm at. I want to learn to be truly content in my loneliness, cause honestly, that's what I've really been all along. I've never had a single person that I can rely on. Ever. And it's ok. For now.

So...people who have come into my life up until this day, I bid you farewell. May your lives be blessed and happiness find you always (unless you're someone who's hurt me. Then I could care less. Just being real).

But I've got to let go. For my own sanity. I don't want to keep pretending I have "friends". That's not to say I haven't had genuine friendships with some of you. But I just feel like those friendships have gone their course. I appreciate those who have truly been there to share moments and memories, stories and laughs. I have met some truly awesome, wonderful, and caring people. Maybe, in the future, I'll meet more. And maybe...just maybe...I'll meet at least one who needs me around. Who seeks me out. A connection(s) where I don't have to feel like I'm bothering them. Where our interests align. Where I feel like I'm wanted.

Close, Chapter II

Open, Chapter III...