Baby Blues

I want to be a mother.

As time passes, though, I become more and more worried that it just won't happen for me.

Mother's Day was yesterday, and for the first time ever, I felt a sense of sadness that I may never have the joy of experiencing being celebrated as a mother. Like, truly sad. I mean...I started tearing up from the thought. I want to be a mother. Not now. Not at this exact time in my life. But I know that I really want to experience motherhood at some point. Truthfully, though, in the past, I really did think that, at this point in my life, I would have been well on my way to becoming, if not already, a mother.

Being a single woman in my 30s is really making me feel a certain way regarding the outcome of my future. Now, I'm well aware that I have no idea what the future holds. Things could change dramatically for me within the next year and prove me wrong about all of my doubts. I honestly hold onto that fact to keep me hopeful. Unfortunately, it doesn't change the fact that time is becoming more and more limited for me. My childbearing years are slowly diminishing. The older I get, not only does pregnancy become riskier, but my chances of being able to get pregnant lessen. And it's not like I can just get pregnant as soon as I feel I'm ready. I gotta go through the whole process of dating to find a husband. That could take a few tries. Then there's the time it takes for someone to decide that I'm the person they wanna lock down for the rest of eternity. Then we have the engagement period. And I'm pretty certain we'd want time to get our lives in order as a married couple before deciding on having kids. By the end of it all, I'll be ancient. My eggs will have all dried up. Heck, I'll be too old to want to be bothered with taking care of kids lol. I'm just playing. But my point is, it could very well be years before I have all the pieces put together.

I thought about my feelings regarding my fears of running out of time, then I realized that there could be a chance that I'm unable to have children. I mean, I wouldn't even know until I try. Thinking about all of this just made me sympathetic to the women out there who are actively going through the struggle of trying to conceive. Here I am making up hypothetical scenarios in my head, but there are so many women who will never be able to experience childbearing, by no fault of their own. Even though they have the youth, the husband/partner. They have all the pieces that I'm hoping to one day have, and they still won't be able to give birth to their children. Thinking about all of this just made me angry about the notion of Mother's Day. What a slap in the face to those who can't be mothers, or to those who choose not to become mothers. It's just the same as how single people feel about Valentine's Day. Let's celebrate the "haves" while the "have nots" have to look on and be reminded of what they don't have. What they long for, but it just isn't in the cards for them to be blessed with. Whether for the time being, or for the rest of their lives. Ugh. I just got into a funk about silly man-made holidays. But that's the mood Mother's Day put me in, for whatever reason, this year.

Yes, there are different means about which a woman can become a "mother". There are "mother-figures", "pet moms", "Godmothers", and the like. And, of course, we have the mother who chooses to become a mother to a child that she didn't birth. I've long thought about the option of adopting, even if I had my own biological children. The idea of giving a second chance to a child just warms my soul. To be able to play an important part in the life of a child in need. I'd love to be a part of it. So, yes, adoption is high on my radar, whatever path life may take me down.

That being said, though, what I'm really yearning for is the ability to bear my own children. To create life from the love of me and another. The beauty of such a blessing. That's what I hope to one day experience. To have life grow inside of me. To go through all of the feelings, and pains, and joys of bringing a little one into the world, then nurturing them and watching them grow. How can I yearn for something I've never experienced? I don't know, but I do. The whole idea of being so in love with someone, and the output of that love being creating another being. The fact that God gave woman the ability, and honor, to nourish and carry that expression of love, and bring it into the world. It's just such an awesome and beautiful thing, to me. I can't wait to feel it (hopefully).

Sometimes, I get bothered when I hear a parent tell a childless person that they "don't understand what it takes to be a parent". As if to put that person down because they don't have children of their own (yet). Just as they don't want to be told how to parent, don't tell me what I don't understand regarding parenting. I grew up as the oldest of 5 kids in the house. I have 2 godchildren, I've heard the experiences of multiple women and what they go through. No, I may not have my own children, but don't belittle me as if I couldn't possibly understand. As if i'm not a part of your elite club. You just don't know how your statement might affect the person on the receiving end. It could very well be triggering for someone who longs to have children, but can't. Someone who wants nothing more than to "understand what it takes to be a parent". I've had someone say it to me, and it came across as kind of arrogant. Made me feel small. Made me feel sad that I don't know what it's like to have my own children, and the fact that it's possible that I never will.

I'm not exactly sure how I went off on this tangent. Why this Mother's Day hit me. There's not much I can do about it except pray on it. Pray that the Lord guides me down the path that He has meant for me. That His Will be done. I just pray that it be within His Will that I may one day experience that blessing of love, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, and a happy family. I know it's difficult for me to see past my current circumstances, but I'm fully aware that anything could happen and turn the trajectory of my life at any moment. So, I'll leave it at that. I pray for mothers. I pray for those hoping to become mothers. I pray for children in need of a mother. I pray that God finds me worthy of the blessing to one day become a mother.

Amen.